Fatlanta Georgia Fat Fear
For immediate release: Fatlanta Weight Loss Crisis
(ACPA-Atlanta) Lucky enough to live in America's most obese city, Atlanta residents wear their fat with pride, stuffing it lovingly under bright shirts or rolling it into proud heaps in the back of faded oversized jeans, a flash of cheeky cleavage occasionally winking at a surprised passerby. Flabby arms, like Dogwood tree trunks, and bouncing man-boobs strut confidently out of tee shirts - plus-sized medallions to years of healthy southern living.
But every year around mid-January, some of these proud citizens are hit with sudden and uncontrollable weight loss, leaving victims stunned and ashamed as their cherished embellishments abruptly shrivel.
Atlanta native DaQuonda Jones is typical of many victims. She got a big surprise early in the New Year when she placed her proud 265 pounds on the weighing scales. Ten pounds were missing! She took a quick look around and with the lost weight nowhere in sight, she called 911 and reported the apparent theft.
Police Officer Dwight Yokum, a 350 pound veteran of the Atlanta police, explained that "every January, within a week or two of the New Year, the reports of people losing weight start. We've never been able to nail down a suspect," he stated, "although we keep hearing references to someone named Jim."
Police continue to advise locals to take more precautions with their belongings at this time of year. "As much as possible we advise people to cover up their valuables," said Yokum, noting "the less fat on view the safer for everyone."
The disappearance of weight is not a victimless crime. The victim typically has to buy new clothes and invest in gallons of Budweiser, buckets of chicken fried steak, and platefuls of cookies to regain the lost weight.
However, officer Yokum added that in many cases the victims call up a few weeks later to report that they have found the lost weight again and that it was all just a misunderstanding. He concluded, "by the end of the month, most of them have given up listening to Jim and his false promises of a better life and we get back to normal here."
But local resident Joe Wilson said he was taking no chances. Settling into a fudge brownie breakfast snack, he was overheard telling a colleague, "I'm planning to put on 15 pounds this year, just in case I become a victim next January."
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