Horrorscope: Star Sign Shocks For The Week Ahead
By Todd Outcalt
"I defined the zodiac by the constellations that are in the background when you look at where the sun and moon and stars are. Ophiuchus has been around a long time, and the sun has been going through Ophiuchus for thousands of years."
-Astronomer Parke Kunkle, on the new zodiac
Capricorn (January 20-February 16)
Today you are in for an adventure at the dentist's office. Dozens of cavities and probably a root canal. The dentist forgot to order Novocain and laughing gas. He's an old guy who works with spastic hands and sharp instruments . . . and your gums bleed easily. You'll live on an applesauce and pureed prune diet for two months.
Aquarius (February 16-March 11)
You have keen insight, but your rearview mirror is cracked. Plan to stay home or you'll be obliterated by that tractor trailer hauling radioactive waste. You might even get flattened if you go to the grocery store for milk. Better play it safe and watch Matlock reruns.
Pisces (March 11-April 18)
You love animals but you'll find your inspiration in cleaning products. There is a pile of crap coming your way. Could be cat puke on your new area rug or the dog's dysentery will seep into your mattress. Plastic slip-covers on your furniture would be advised. Stock up on paper towels.
Aries (March 18-May 13)
Enjoy reading that great novel or watching that new Hurt Locker DVD. You'll be blind before nightfall. Likely a detached retina, or one of your children will jab a sharp pencil through your cornea. Kind of hazy. But anyway, plan to make a phone call to the Braille society and ask your relatives if you can make plaster casts of their faces. Stock up on Clear Eyes. Buy dark, plastic-rimmed sunglasses.
Taurus (May 13-June 21)
Someone you know and trust will stab you in the back today. Literally. With a steak knife, serrated-edge. Fortunately, the knife will miss your vital organs and lodge in the rib cage. Your recovery will be slow and painful, but you'll meet a very cute nurse. Look at the bright side in all of this if you are single. You are finished with your professional athletic dreams anyway, and you probably have a secure job in sanitation or logging. Save the steak knife. Some day you'll have a set.
Gemini (June 21-July 20)
Use your small appliances carefully today-especially the mixer and the coffee grinder. You could lose a finger if you don't exercise caution. Any tiny cut or sore on your body will fester into a severe infection and become gangrenous. There are no antibiotics strong enough to treat your small wound. Use plastic utensils.
Cancer (July 20-August 10)
Yes, you're a cancer . . . but you're not going to receive a cancer diagnosis today. You'll be diagnosed with rickets, which is an ancient maritime disease that could easily be cured by eating limes. Obviously, you need to eat more fresh fruits and vegetables of all varieties-especially mangos. Purchase loose-fitting jeans and learn how to walk like John Wayne.
Leo (August 10-September 16)
You live to make other people happy-and that's why you'll be fired today. Start your job search now and wait three weeks before you apply for unemployment benefits. Give your digestive system time to adjust to the Wendy's Value Menu and the steady diet of boiled cabbage. But you are bright and ambitious and have many excellent qualities and you will be recognized as a leader in the homeless shelter.
Virgo (September 16-October 30)
Egotistical people at work are going to make your life a living hell today. But screw 'em. After all, you've got all the brains and the good looks, although you could stand to lose a few pounds. Watch out for Gilbert, in advertising, and you should do fine.
Libra (October 30-November 23)
Although you love everyone and you don't own a handgun, you're going to get shot in the foot and lose three toes, including the pinkie. Dr. Shoals will be your new friend and you'll find comfort in arch supports and white cotton tube socks from Target. Pray for a small caliber.
Scorpio (November 23-November 29)
You enjoy your life and the home you've built for yourself, but watch for falling trees. The large oak outside your bedroom window will fall and destroy personal items of sentimental value, including your engagement ring and the antique armoire your grandfather gave you before he died of the grippe. Too late to purchase additional home insurance or lower your deductible. You're screwed.
Ophiuchus (November 29-December 17)
You've been born under this new sign and will begin the day by gashing an artery. Hours in a hospital emergency room await before you receive the attention of a baby-faced intern. Your HMO will not pay for the experimental procedures conducted on your body and you will be forced to refinance your house and sell your car to pay for the plastic kidney. You wish you were still a Sagittarius and you spiral into a deep depression.
Sagittarius (December 17-January 20)
You are never satisfied with your situation, and that's a good thing. You'll need a fancy lawyer to get you out of an indictment for mail fraud-which is twenty to thirty years, max. You won't be able to post bond and will be forced to share a cell with Hank, a white supremacist who will have his way with you on the weekends. No color TV. No appeal. You'll die by lethal injection.
Todd Outcalt is the author of twenty books, including Before You Say "I Do", The Best Things in Life Are Free, and
The Healing Touch. His three newest books are: Your Beautiful Wedding on Any Budget, School's Out, and $5 Youth Ministry.
His books have been translated into Spanish, Chinese, Korean and Polish, among others. He has recently been published in Leadership, American Fitness, and Rattle.
Other Satire News
Obama to read from Waffle House menu
Swine Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Atheist Sees Image of Big Bang in Slice of Toast
Texans against Jesus in Public Schools
So-called Hero Pilot Refuses to Lands Plane in Chicago River
Local Walmarts Fear Rise of Super-Walmart
or Click here for all our Satire News Stories
Thanks for visiting!