With Peace Prize For Cover, Obama Starts Reign Of TerrorBy Ross Rosenfeld and Ronald Pecorry
After weeks of debate over his Nobel Peace Prize, President Barack Obama is starting to show his true colors and it looks like they are blood-red.
One top aide who wished to remain anonymous in order to avoid "the president's new-found wrath," described the emerging less than diplomatic approach. "He stares you down with a Dirty Harry gaze that makes your blood freeze and just when you think you can breathe again, his right fist makes contact with your nose. When you're lying there, curled up, bleeding, and he's stomping on you and screaming obscenities, you got to ask yourself - How did it all go so wrong so fast?"
Supporting himself on new crutches, former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs remarked, "Ever since he won the Peace Prize, he's like Pablo Escobar crossed with Michael Vick's pitbull. I saw him lose at Monopoly on Air Force One last week. He threw the board across the plane and started screaming, going 'Motherf-ing Marvin Gardens! F-ing rat hole property piece a s*%t's costin' me the whole f-ing game,' before beating his unsuspecting opponent across the head with an ashtray and throwing him out of the plane at 20,000 feet."
Vice-President Biden seemed to concur. "The president can be truly terrifying," he said. He then added: "Not that anyone should be scared of him, though he can indeed be scary, if scary is what you like. I'm not scared of him, except sometimes. There's nothing to be afraid of, but I won't stay alone in a room with him."
Political opponents are only just beginning to step up and take notice of what one quivering unidentified Republican described as "the president's terrifying post-win behavior." Their first victim was Republican House leader John Boehner, who was seriously injured when the president invited him into the Oval Office, and "left a footprint on [his] backside with a threat to come back with a baseball bat" if he didn't get on board with health care reform. "You don't pass that reform," Obama supposedly said, "you're gonna need some extended care services yourself, if you catch my meaning."
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According to Boehner, when he protested against such tactics, Obama quipped, "Listen here, Johnny boy...maybe you haven't heard, but I won myself the Nobel Prize for Peace...that gives me free license to kick the ever-lovin' s*%t outa you! What are people gonna say? Are they gonna say, 'That Obama is a violent guy?' I don't think so! I got a committee and one point four million bucks that say otherwise. You got me?"
According to cabinet members, his new favorite hobby is reading them a list of people who are ripe for a beating, "Hamid Karzai won't agree to a runoff election, check; Iran won't allow inspectors, check; Blue Dog Democrats, Glen Beck, Fox News, I'll take care of them soon enough."
Another favorite pastime for the president is making phone calls to former President Clinton, asking about the weather, then going, "Say...you happen to hear who won the Nobel Peace Prize? Oh, you did? You don't happen to have one of those, do ya? No? Oh, well. Feel free to come over and look at it sometime."
Hillary Clinton, meanwhile, had this to say: "I think there's no doubt that President Obama is proving to be a magnificent president." She then looked behind her before turning back to whisper, "He's not nearby is he? Oh God, that guy scares the s*%t outa me, I'm not running against him in 2012!"
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