Cain Proposes Ban on Books Longer Than One Page
by Ross Rosenfeld
(ACPA-Atlanta) Adhering to his principle of simplicity-is-best, Herman Cain, the Republican candidate for President, has issued a statement declaring that no book should ever be longer than a single page. Asked about it by Meet the Press's David Gregory, Mr. Cain explained, "Reading is time consuming and unnecessary. All those words - who needs'm?"
When Mr. Gregory inquired as to the effect this would have on great works of literature, such as A Tale of Two Cities and Huckleberry Finn, Mr. Cain was prepared: "We have created alternate texts," he said. "For instance, A Tale of Two Cities would read: 'Stuff happens in London and Paris. There's a revolution. Two guys look alike.' Huckleberry Finn would go, 'Kid and slave attempt to escape on raft.' See? Much, much easier that way."
"What about, let's say, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn or War and Peace?" Gregory asked. "Never read those," Cain replied, "but the titles tell the whole story anyhow." "But what about your own book?" Gregory said. "That's longer than one page." "But that's not a book," Cain rejoined, "it's a testament. Testaments are okay. My book and the bible, for instance."
The other candidates had varying reactions. Newt Gingrich, whose written 14,869 books about nothing, called it "a ridiculous idea brought on by the neo-Nazi liberals who are ruining this country."
Mitt Romney said he liked the idea, but that he was against it.
Michelle Bachmann stated that Cain's proposal accurately reflected the wishes of the Founding Fathers, who "put the Declaration of Innerpenance on one sheet because they did not like books."
Ron Paul said that he would be fine with books, "if not for the government controlling everything in them."
John Huntsman said something thoughtful, but nobody was listening.
Rick Santorum just kept saying, "Ah, hello, can I get a turn to say something?"
And Rick Perry said, "What's a book?"
Ross Rosenfeld is an educator and author of The Stolen Kingdom
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