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Letters To Miss Management

by Miriam Aviva Datya

Dear Ms. Management,

When did it become my job to know when my manager's driver's license expires? Why didn't I get that email? My manager asked me why I failed to let him know when the reminder to renew his driver's license came in from the state. I explained with all the patience I could squeeze out of my annoyed brain that the expiration date is on the license and the state does not send out reminder notices. How did this person get to be a manager?


Not a Moron Yet

Dear Not,

Wouldn't it be delightful if all managers were subject to a basic competency test? And if they didn't pass they would be demoted. Perhaps your manager could be transferred to the position of: Coordinator for the Distribution of Nonexistent Reminder Notices for Driver's License Renewal.

Dear Ms. Management,

I think one of my coworkers is schizo and in need of a team of mental health specialists. One minute he's singing "Happy Birthday" to himself and the next he's asking everyone if the carpet smells like cat urine. How do I get him the psychiatric help he needs?


Mental Health Nut

Dear Mental,

I'll assume your coworker is not faking mental instability in order to file a psychiatric disability claim. If this person seems genuinely disturbed my suggestion is to approach him in private and ask if you could borrow a couple of his personalities for a psychiatric evaluation. Tell him you don't think you have enough of a personality to keep a psychiatrist interested so you wanted to add a few more to the mix. If your coworker seems receptive then you two should go to the psychiatrist together. At that point the doctor will take over the mental restoration.

Dear Ms. Management,

The Human Resources Dept. at my company played me for a fool which I don't appreciate. They asked me to fill out a review for my supervisor. It states on the form it will not be released to the supervisor. When I asked the HR flunky if that was really true she lied to my face and said, "Yes." So I gave my supervisor a bad review because she's incompetent and lazy.

The morning after I handed in the review my supervisor called me into her office. I could see my review on her desk. We went over it point by point. I explained why I gave a bad review. After this uncomfortable meeting I went to HR and asked why they released the review. They said the low marks suggested a "personality clash." They wanted my supervisor and myself to sort out our differences. No mention was made of my supervisor's laziness or incompetence. Is it possible to file a complaint against HR?


No Longer a Fool

Dear No Longer,

As a long term HR professional, I can vouch for the fact that it is as futile to lodge a complaint against HR as it is to train a koala to clip your toenails. However, if you want to take a stand against being betrayed and undermined then submit a second review. This would be a review of HR. Give low marks to their ability to improve employee morale as well as low marks for honesty, integrity and responsiveness to employee concerns. Feel free to add relevant categories then email your review to everyone in the company.

PS: Be warned that heeding this advice could lead to filing an unemployment claim.

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